(Chapter 9, from the eBook, Confidential Conversations: The Last Nine, by La Tanya D. Walker)
Ahh! Here we are, the last of the final nine a somewhat emotional, bittersweet moment, I don’t know if I want to end. As I reflect and give thought to today’s conversation, it would only be fitting that I dedicate this last conversation to You. Not one where I have a nice anecdote at the end, but a conversation where I stop and say, “Thank you!” Thank you for not allowing our conversations to end. Even when I didn’t feel like talking, your constant whisper provoked me to respond and I am so glad I did. I thought I was empty, yet you pulled from a place only you knew was untapped and didn’t stop pulling until the truth about who I was and still becoming was unveiled. Thank you for entrusting me with your words and the ear of the people you knew would listen. I pray my pure authentic self, served you well? As I prepare to close out the last of this series, I also come to the end of a major chapter in my life. One that spoke to the evolution of the real me, authentically. I would have to admit, I didn’t quite understand, nor was it easily welcomed; yet, when I allowed you to pull back the surface to find what was underneath, I knew when you finished, I would forever be changed.
Lord, I reflect on where I’ve been - my past, the people and the process, and if given an option to change anything, it would be me not fighting you for what you knew was only best for me. There is a saying, that Father Knows Best, and I’d have to admit, they were right. You knew exactly what I needed when I needed it. You, Abba-Father, knew just the right amount of pressure to apply and when to let up because you didn’t want to break me to a point that you couldn't use me. Thank you for the past two years that you kept me, because you and I both know there were days, I did not want to be kept!” When I wanted to give up, you challenged me to do more, give more and be more. There were times when I wanted to shrink back and instead of allowing me, you stretched me even more and forced me to bloom where I was planted.
From loss to betrayal, setbacks and major comebacks, You, Father, were faithful. Some lessons I was able to breeze through and others, well, let’s just say the very core of my existence is only what it is today because of the deepened relationship I was able to encounter with you. And instead of giving up on me, you in turn showed me that you alone were my Sustainer, Way Maker, the Lilly in my lowest Valley, my Provider, Healer, my King Warrior, my Peace and most importantly, my Friend. You taught me that it wouldn’t always be what I wanted it to be, but proved to me that it would be exactly what I needed it to be. You taught me total dependency on you was imperative if I wanted to walk in my wealthy place, and though many times it felt like I was walking through the fire, you showed me You were the Fire and if I walked with you, I would never get burned - all while reassuring me that You had me hidden in the cleft of the rock, so trust You.
Lord, you knew I wouldn't hear the still small voice, unless I was close enough to you to hear it, but you didn’t yell or scream to try and make me (well, that one time you did, when you said, “I will dance!”). Father, I love you, and wanted to be like the ‘one’ who came back to say, “Thank you!” I want to be that one to never forget to tell you that without you, I would be nothing and I am forever grateful you chose me to have these conversations with. Lord, the first 21 broke me only so you could show me that you could put me back together again – but these last nine, WOW! You honored your word and proved that you were who you said you were. They showed me that my life truly was not worth living, if I didn’t have you in it. Don’t stop talking, even if I stop listening, because like this last nine, you and I both know, I won’t be able to resist not responding.
~The Apple of Your Eye
…And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God.
~Luke 17:15 (KJV)
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